How to Become a Skilled Listener: The Samaritans Framework

Today’s Fast Summary:

• Effective listening is one of the most powerful accelerators for your career and personal relationships. It’s a key component of what makes successful people successful.

• Obtaining all necessary information allows the listener to act appropriately, and their approach fosters understanding and connection between them and the speaker.

• The Samaritans Framework was originally developed for helpline use for high-stakes situations but can be adapted for every conversation.

• Use open-ended questions, summarize, reflect, clarify, offer words of encouragement, and react appropriately to showcase active listening skills.

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How to Become a Skilled Listener: The Samaritans Framework

Former President Bill Clinton is known for having incredibly strong communication skills. Those around him say he has a way of making others feel as though they’re the only person in the room.

Geoffrey Tumlin, the renowned author, says this of Clinton, “[Clinton] is a remarkable communicator because he’s unusually attentive and dialed into people. He has the ability to connect with an audience and then turn around and make the person who was helping with the slideshow feel like they’re the most important person there.”

Simon Mainwaring, who has spoken at multiple events with Clinton, believes he has a method for this: During speeches, Clinton singles out someone from the audience and makes eye contact with them. Then, he moves to another person and repeats the process.

After 15 minutes of this, everyone in the room feels personally connected to Clinton, the speaker.

Clinton’s active listening skills and body language incite a feeling of connectedness that is often lost in formal environments. His ability to make others feel seen and heard was instrumental in his career and was among the reasons he was nominated by the DNC in 1992 as a Presidential candidate.

Effective listening is one of the most powerful accelerators for your career and personal relationships. It’s a key component of what makes successful people successful.

Most people only retain less than 25% of what they hear, hence the importance of active listening.

Obtaining all necessary information allows the listener to act appropriately, and their approach fosters understanding and connection between them and the speaker. Active listening builds trust.

The Samaritans Framework was originally developed for helpline use for high-stakes situations but can be adapted for every conversation.

Here's what it is and how to apply it:

The Samaritan’s Framework

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” - Maya Angelou

The Samaritan’s Framework for article listening involves six core principles. Follow these steps to become a strong active listener, and to build trust between yourself and those you speak with.

1. Open-Ended Questions

Open-ended questions get to the root cause of people's feelings. They are unstructured, and the answer is not suggested, requiring the respondent to answer in their words.

In an open-ended question, the answer is not ‘yes’ or no.’ These questions mitigate opportunities to advance the conversation.

The following are examples of great open-ended questions you can use to garner mutual understanding:

• How did that make you feel?

• What are your thoughts on that?

• How would you approach this situation?

• What is the best way to gather ideas?

Open-ended questions take assumptions off the table and allow the respondent to provide a thoughtful answer. They allow both the respondent and the questioner to connect more meaningfully.

2. Summarizing

Summarizing is a quick way to check your understanding of what someone expresses.

After another person finishes speaking, ask them, “Let me make sure I understand…” or, “Just to be clear, you’re saying that…” before repeating a summary of what you heard.

This method alleviates misunderstandings, as the speaker is provided the chance to change or add to their original statement. It also shows them that you were listening attentively, which is a known builder of empathy.

3. Reflecting

Reflecting, also referred to as reflective listening, requires attention to the feelings expressed by another person. It requires emotional intelligence and lets the other person know you care about what they’re saying.

During reflective listening, the questioner remains neutral and doesn’t offer their perspective. Their goal is to focus on the other person’s problem or emotional needs.

Pay attention to your tone and body language when people speak; keep a neutral stance, and don’t cross your arms. Keep your voice warm and open.

For example, during a conversation, your friend says, “My mom hates me.” Instead of telling them no, you would ask, “Hates you?” or, “Why do you feel that way?”

This approach creates space for the other person to remain comfortable and talk.

4. Clarifying

Asking clarifying questions helps others process their feelings in the moment. It also provides you with further context to better understand a given situation.

Ask questions like:

• Could you clarify what you mean?

• Would you elaborate on that?

• Could you be more explicit about this?

This way, both parties will be clear about what is being said and why.

5. Short Words of Encouragement

Oftentimes, in highly emotional conversations or in high-stakes situations, the other person is simply looking for validation. Listening in silence offers no clues that you’re listening or understanding.

Words of encouragement offer the other person validation. It’s the “active” part of “active listening.”

Short words of agreement, like, “Yes,” “True,” and “You’re right,” offer the person a chance to feel understood. It shows that you’re engaged and attentive.

6. Reacting

Reacting refers to your response, which lets the speaker know you empathize with them.

We can’t simply react. We must react genuinely, and with tact. Meet the other person where they are. If they’re dismayed, express similar feelings. If they’re excited, be excited too. If they’re calm, show them that you are as well.

For example, your co-worker shares with you a personal achievement. They’re excited and gleeful as a result. Instead of merely replying, “Good for you,” meet their excitement. Tell them, “Hell yea! Great job,” with a smile.

Put Action into Active Listening

“Pretend that every single person you meet has a sign around his or her neck that says, 'Make me feel important.' Not only will you succeed in sales, you will succeed in life.” - Mary Kay Ash

The above infographic illustrates the importance of these six components of active listening. Each part is of equal importance: Don’t spend too much time summarising or reacting. This won’t yield your desired result.

Focus on spending a similar amount of time in each category.

The Samaritans Framework isn’t just for helplines. Instead, it’s for anyone who wants to improve their conversational skills.

For more on this framework, head to this site published by Clearer Thinking. They offer tools and tips to help with general life skills.

Start by asking open-ended questions, and over time, slowly apply the rest.

Apply the principles of active listening to a conversation you’ve had in the past. Reimagine the conversation in detail, and thoughtfully consider how you could’ve applied these skills throughout.

1. Imagine a past conversation, and do so in detail. Choose a conversation in which you offered someone advice, expertise, or a way to work through the problem. 

2. Recall what the other person told you. What else was going on? Record all of this.

   a. What about body language? Recall and record the other person’s body language.

   b. What was the result of the conversation? Reflect and record this as well.

3. What was your role in the conversation? Which of the components of active listening did you follow?

   a. Reflect on your approach. Think first about what you said, then about how you said it. Think about your body language.

   b. How would active listening be beneficial to the conversation? Which components did you use? Which didn’t you use?

   c. What would it have looked like had you incorporated all of these into your approach? What would’ve been the outcome?

Use the Samaritan’s Framework for all of your meaningful conversations. Understanding provides greater empathy and meaning.

Conclusion

I’d love to hear from you:

• Do you feel you’re a good active listener? What did you learn about active listening?

• Which tips do you use to listen more actively?

Tweet at me (@_alexbrogan) or respond to this email — I’ll try to respond to everyone.

Have a wonderful Saturday, all.

Until next time,

Alex

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